Expectations and parenting and special needs parenting…?

 

I feel very lucky that I have three unique children. I also know from the bottom of my heart that Brody not only made me a better person, but also made my family and marriage stronger. But there are days where I get intensely jealous of other parents who do not have our struggles…one of those struggles comes from having one typical child and one special needs child. Seems cut and dry, right? One has autism and one does not….I mean what is the big deal?

This jealously crept up again this week at parent-teacher conferences. And not during Brody’s conference….I sincerely look forward to Brody’s conferences because his teachers are our soul mates – but this was Destin’s. Destin’s expectations and Brody’s expectations could not be further apart or more different.

Destin is nuero-typical, but he definitely has quirks. He has some major maturity issues at school (forgetting things, forgetting assignments) and he can be very shy, painfully shy. He lacks some self-confidence. He also loathes reading fiction books – seems minor right? But when you’re required to read specific fiction books for a grade, this can be an issue.

Destin’s teacher walked me through all of the areas she felt he was struggling with. She explained he stopped the class the other day because he “wanted to read a book aloud to the class, etc.” She also explained he can be very immature…interrupts people, gets over-emotional about issues, and is really struggling with reading those fiction books.

I listened very carefully to everything she was saying. I took notes on how we can get him on track at home – for the maturity we can establish the allowance program a little better, we can take him to the library once a week to get more fiction books in the house, and we can work on those quirks, etc. I have a terrible memory – it really is awful. Destin inherited it. So, this is another area we need to address.

As she spoke about these issues in our meeting, I could not help think in my mind…

”Yeah… so what?”

Destin is doing great academically…he’s super shy and has maturity issues at school, forgets his homework from time to time, but….I mean…he’s not slamming his head into a desk or eloping around the room right? He is carrying his own lunch tray. He uses the restroom alone. He carries on conversations with others. He can READ and WRITE his own name! He can do long division. He is rockin’ social studies…and math. This is success in my book. Case closed. In my eyes, he’s made it! But…has he? Am I selling him short by not riding his ass more?

Should I be all over him about his grades and his reports? That seems…not productive? I’d rather be reading to him or talking to him about his day….or taking him to the Science Center or a movie…spending quality time with him…time he rarely gets due to the immense amount of attention Brody gets.

My sense of success and expectations with my typical child are completely warped because of Brody. Minor victories for Brody are so immensely important to our family…and this plays out with Destin, too. Our expectations for Brody are to enjoy life and be happy, learn life skills….and to completely re-direct your expectations for a typical child? Our expectations for Destin should be way higher, right? We should be pushing Ivy League and Bright Flight and a 33 ACT score? I have no doubt in my mind that he is intelligent enough to do all of those things…but I do not expect him to…you know…just be that way.

Are we hippies? Probably.

So, that is the current struggle going on in our house….expectations for Brody and expectations for Destin…different yes? Right? And nuero-typical parents have these issues, too….right? You might have one kiddo who is super creative so you expect them to love art. And your other kid is really good at math…you expect him or her to have an A in math right? It all seems so trivial…I mean your kids can talk, laugh, interact, enjoy life, swim, play games, etc. They have so much going for them!

Brody puts life in perspective for us. Not a day goes by that I do not ask myself…”yeah, but does that really matter?” How do you change this to then say “Yes it does?”