This week, while in the drive thru at Chik-Fil-A, (a common occurrence these days for a pregant chick in a rush all the time) I saw something through the window that stopped me in my tracks.
I'm sure you've seen groups of special needs kids out and about in the community; you see them at Target or First Watch or even the grocery store. But that day there was a group of about 8 kids, with all different disabilities, eating lunch at Chik-Fil-A. Each little one had a helper/aide with them supervising the lunch date.
This group was very diverse in age and in disability - some of them had Downs Syndrome, others appeared to have autism (based on behaviors, rocking, etc.) and others seem "typical." as they ate their lunch.
There was one little boy, probably 10 years old, who was showing autistic behaviors, only he could not feed himself or sit upright. His aide was helping him eat his meal. And I guess you can imagine what happened next, in my car, as I dug out my cash for the drive-thru...I could feel the lump in my throat swell and my breath shorten...the tears started. My heart just broke for that little boy. Mostly because I know, all too well, the fear, stress and worry his parents must be facing...(or maybe I can't imagine? We're so lucky Brody is "with" us and can understand us, feed himself, is potty-trained, can swim, etc.) And who knows? My emotion could be unwarranted...he probably has a loving home and he is out with his classmates. He seemed very happy, enjoying his lunch around people who obviously cared about him.
By the time I got to the last drive-thru window, I had calmed down. I continued to think about that little boy all day.
This is my typical reaction, pregnant or not, when I see groups of special needs kids. I get very emotional and sometimes, before I start to get emotional, I will walk over and say "hello" and tell the helpers how wonderful they are...not to appear "perfect" but as therapy for me. It helps to get close to disabled individuals - it brings me closer to my son.
On our way home from a family dinner this weekend, I brought up this story to Matt and the boys.
And a question came into my head...it's been there for a while but I never said it loud. Really to anyone but close family. Now we've discussed this very question with 3 physicians...we already know the answer. And so far, Sammy is 100% healthy. A lot of the triggers we noticed with my last pregnancy, are not showing their face this time..and I won't bore you with statistics or other facts we've discovered on this journey,but,
"What if Sam has autism, too? It could happen..." I announced to the car. Brody was fast asleep.
Before Matt could answer, we heard Destin say from the backseat,
"I'll take care of them, mom. I'll take care of 2 autistic babies. I can do it," he no longer sounded like a 9 year old 3rd grader, he sounded 25. He sounded like a man.
"Destin, you are amazing..." we said to him.
While his reaction was powerful, it made me a little sad. Destin doesn't need the burden of caring for special needs siblings - he deserves to be happy. The confidence in his voice with that response was jarring. We explained that he alone would not be caring for his brothers. That we will all love Brody and Sam...no matter what. It was a very honest discussion and frankly, one that had to happen.
The truth is, if Sam has autism, we're going to accept him with open arms, just as we do with Brody. And as for Matt and I...we can both safely say that at this point in our marriage, we can handle anything...from moving across town in 30 days to autism diagnoses, to health problems to 2 preterm deliveries...and now to a miracle, literally a miracle baby, we can do it. Together.
So, this question has not formally come up outside of our family car, but we have addressed it...there are moments of sheer paranoia, sheer confidence, joy, every emotion. We try to throw out those moments of doubt in our house and look around us instead of ahead.
At this time, Sam is 100% healthy, squirmy and definitely BOY! We're taking it one day at a time and we're ready for whatever this little one has in store for us.
We'll remember to enjoy the ride. You only get one.
