Brody and Wandering
When they say it just takes a second, they mean it. It does
only take a second for your life to change. And no this is not a post about the
terrible alligator incident at Disney or the gorilla incident. It’s about
wandering in the world of autism.
Our family has experienced wandering in one of the most
wonderful of settings ….the beach, in Mexico. This experience caught us off
guard and we haven’t been the same since – it changed everything. Everything.
A couple years ago, when Brody was 5, we decided to take a
family trip to Riviera Maya, Mexico. We chose a very family-friendly
all-inclusive resort. It had an awesome kid’s pool, baby pools, slides, a huge
beach area with tons of chairs/cabanas, and a kids club. Our kids are beach
bums, and so are we.
When we arrived to the resort, our room wasn’t ready yet so
we changed into our swimsuits and headed– more like ran – to the beach.
We were so excited to be in Mexico with the kids! I covered
the kids in sunscreen and immediately the boys ran into the ocean, with Matt
and I tagging along behind. Destin was all over it. Brody was running happily
along the beach. I was running along the beach alongside him. Matt headed off
to make an appointment for a massage so I stayed back with the boys. After
running, I walked over to a hammock about 10 yards from Brody who was in the
sand ahead of me. Destin came over to me, grabbed the hammock next to me, and
started chatting away. I turned my head from Brody, who was in the sand playing
and looked at Destin as he asked me a question about the cabanas.
(pic of the beach area - wandering happens everywhere...)
I turned back to the spot where Brody was playing, literally
10 seconds went by, and he was gone. So I walked up the beach, Destin in hand,
and looked to see if he ran further up. No Brody.
I walked down to the other side of the beach area, still no
Brody.
I asked several families at the beach if they had seen my
baby, a little tan boy with orphan Annie curls wearing a blue and white pair of
swim trunks. And they had not seen him.
I walked up and down the cabanas, scoured the sandcastles
and kids areas in the beach, no Brody anywhere. By this time, 10 minutes had
gone by and I was very worried. Matt came back to the beach and I told him what
happened. He started panicking as well as we ran up and down the beach yelling
his name.
20 minutes went by, no Brody.
We all 3 started crying ….Destin was screaming. The
lifeguards started entering the water to look for him. I continued to run up
and down the beach looking for any sign of him. The feeling of terror swept
over our family. We were paralyzed.
“Maybe he drowned!” I screamed. One of the lifeguards made
the sign of the cross. I screamed in
tears. Now I was screaming his name, literally in hysterics. I thought of
Natalie Halloway and other missing children. I thought of seeing his swim
trunks wash up on the shore. I thought of how I would be returning home on a
plane without my child, and how I could not go on living if he was gone – Matt
was also completely melting down. He was running all over the beach…he ran into
the water, searching.
30 minutes went by, no Brody.
All of the sudden, a young woman in a bathing suit and sun
hat tapped me on the shoulder from behind,
“Is this your baby?” She asked.
It was! It was Brody. He was soaking wet, his swim trunks
were loose….he gave me a hug and a kiss. It was the most amazing moment of our
lives –relief swept over our family like a tidal wave. He was safe. He
was…smiling. I never felt joy like this in my life; it was like the day he was
born.
I screamed and scooped him up, and bawled my eyes out. I
kissed this woman, hugged her uncontrollably and asked her where she found him,
“He was in the baby pool behind the palm tree all along.”
(Me holding onto Brody at dinner - I pretty much held him for 4 days straight after this incident)
For the rest of the trip, Brody wore NEON colors. We also made him
wear his Puddle Jumper every time we left the room so we could see him at all
times. Remember, Brody is nonverbal. And he could not tell anyone who his
parents were or his room number (we had no room yet anyway) – nothing.
I don’t have to tell you that if anything happened to Brody
– if he would have been hurt or worse – I would have never forgiven myself for
looking at Destin on the hammock. I would not be here today writing this if
something happened to him. I would be in a grave. It took me a month to talk about it without tearing
up – and I deserve that pain. Destin is now obsessed with Brody’s safety – he
constantly asks where he is and what he is doing – at all times. Destin does not deserve to feel this way – he is
innocent.
So, my question is, are Matt and I negligent because this
happened to us? Does all of the good parenting, the special needs parenting, go
to waste because Brody wandered off on the beach? Are we bad parents? If he
would have been hurt or killed, would Matt and I have deserved it? Would we be
publicly shamed and ridiculed?
If you’re going with the court of public opinion, yes, and we
would have deserved it. And we would be considered negligent parents. Heck,
we’d most likely be charged with child endangerment. If this story made the news in the U.S. then
yes, Matt and I are the shittiest parents of the year… “Autistic Boy Wanders
Off Beach While Mom Sits in Hammock…” I can see the headlines now on NBC.
I’d like to add that no one at any time at this resort
scolded us about our parenting and not one person I’ve shared this story with
told me I was a shitty mother. The resort personnel and other families were
terrified with us and helped us. That does not cushion the guilt but it was
appreciated.
Matt and I are enthusiastic parents – I’d go to say we’re
damn good parents. But because of this wandering incident with Brody, we will
always have inner turmoil. Because I turned my head for just “one second” I
will never be the same – and I shouldn’t be. Matt isn’t either.
(Below a pic of Brody in NEON yellow, 2 days after the incident)
Autism and wandering is very, very real. Children in general
and wandering is very real. We’re lucky because Brody is still at home with us;
he made it out of this incident without injury or worse. But some families are
not as lucky and they have to worry about their children escaping from their
room or running down the street without warning.
Before this incident, I was pretty judgmental about the
parenting skills of others – and now, unless you’re abusing your child or
publicly humiliating them – I get it; we all do what we need to do to survive
in this child raising gig. If that means you stick close to home or buy a leash
for your two year old, so be it. Who am I to judge? I’m not perfect. And I
almost paid the ultimate price for it, my little boy. And so does any mom who
finds herself in the same spot – loses a child in a grocery store or amusement
park (how many of us remember going to the grocery store and losing a parent?)
And you now know one pretty awesome set of parents whose son wandered off a
beach. It’s terrifying.
So what I am trying to say, after all of these paragraphs, is
Brody should have NEVER gotten away – but I am not a shitty mom because he
wandered. Matt is not a shitty dad
because he made an appointment for a massage on vacation. Not a day goes by
that I don’t cry in my car about this incident or Matt relives that afternoon. And
not a night goes by that I don’t think about what could have happened. It changed us forever. It changed everything
– everything. It changed how I raise my children, it change my marriage, how I
see the world, how we as parents protect those who cannot protect themselves. It
does only take a second.
