Once I turned 35, I decided…I’m not going to age anymore.
I
don’t like aging. It doesn’t work for me. So, I’ll just stay 35. From here on
out. I’ll keep running, literally, away from growing older until I can’t run
anymore, and after that I will jog. And after that I will power walk. I’m going to try hard to stay the same
weight/size as I was in my early 30s (late 20s even) and just hope no one
notices my birthday. My kids will age…sure they will. And this decision is not
for vanity reasons…I really don’t mind wrinkles or laugh lines. This decision is for survival reasons.
Parents of special needs kids…well, we are not allowed to
die.
I’ve had this same conversation with other special needs
parents, and it’s just plain not an option. Yes, we are looking at options for Brody,
even now, for when he turns 21 (and older). We’ve attended those scary
workshops about “What happens to your child after you die…” I feel like we’re
doing the best we can for his future. Aside from making an appointment with a
psychic (oh I need to get that on the list!) I think we’re in decent shape (on
paper) considering Brody is not yet 10 years old.
But still, I’m not allowed to die. Or get “feeble” or
“brittle boned” or “age gracefully.” I really have to be in shape, like
marathoner (ok 5K runner) shape, until…well…like forever. I have to be able to
run after Brody, pick him up at age 15, and constantly keep him moving (and the
other kids). I have no option. It’s live forever or… live forever.
Humor aside, it’s the truth. The inability to age or die is
what keeps me up all hours of the night, and forces me to watch Women in Prison
documentaries at 2AM. While we may have the right pieces completed on paper for
Brody, the “non-paper” needs are even more important. Who is going to hug him
when we are terribly old or dead? Who is going to play with him outside? Cook
him his favorite dinner? Take him to the park? And of course we have Destin,
our oldest, but he needs to be with his own family and make memories with them.
Autism, in some cases, is a cruel disorder. You know all of
the pieces are there, but they just don’t fit. They are pieces are to the wrong
puzzle and go in a million directions. And the picture never turns out the way
you planned.
And this unpredictable puzzle, is why I am 100% absolutely
without a doubt, not aging, or dying. Ever. I’ll be like Goldie Hawn or Sharon
Stone or Kris Jenner. Brody will continue to age and mature, but I’ll just stay
right here. That way, there will always be someone to hold him, love on him,
cook for him, clean, pick him up from school (or wherever), and advocate for
him. All the time.
