Don't Ask Unless You Want the Answer

Brody's last day of preschool ever was July 11th...I could not believe it. His teachers literally became members of our family. I loved all of them and on the last day, Brody gave his teacher a big kiss and a hug. I missed it...but Matt witnessed the whole thing. He said it was incredible. All we really want for Brody is to be accepted. And his teachers really, really loved him. I still keep in touch with them and we have a Ted Drewes date planned, soon.

A big part of this whole transition is...drumroll...kindergarten.

I've observed Brody's new kindergarten twice now, and I am definitely getting used to the idea of him being "school age." However, kindergarten for kids with special needs is quite different than what we experienced with Destin. It's not that it's bad or whatever, it's just...well...different. I can't think of a better word for it.

For example...there is a lead teacher for the class, but then each child has their own Resource Teacher. I requested that Brody have a male teacher...he is a "performer" and definitely shows off for men more than women. We tend to get more out of him if men are involved, or his brother. Funny huh? But it's true.

Next, most of the kids in his class are actually older. There are about 3 other kindergartners in the class and the rest are between 9-11 years old. So, that took some getting used to. At first it really bugged me..."where are the other 5 year olds? Will he be with peers? What is this? Will he get bullied by the big kids?"

It turns out Brody will spend about 20-40% of the week with his "GenEd" class (that is what they call "mainstream") in a typical kindergarten classroom. I also observed that class and it was like walking into the Twilight Zone. Seeing typical kindergarten and then Brody's kindergarten was quite a shock. Not bad, not sad, just again, extremely different.

The second time I came ot observe Brody's class I really got to know his teacher, Maura. She is fabulous. She is extremely energetic, funny, tough, goofy, and frankly, pardon my French here, but

She. knows. her. shit.

I loved watching her with the kids; I think she and Brody will hit it off for sure. She also had a perfect sense of humor...I mean, you really have to when you spend day in and day out with kids with special needs. Some things they do and say, is just extremely funny. I've learned this from being with Brody, you just laugh or cry. I choose to laugh...usually.

While visiting on this one particular day, I spent about an hour in Brody's soon-to-be classroom. I was sitting there in one of the little kiddo chairs and started chatting with one of the Transition Specialists at Parkway, her name is Kristen (she was wonderful, too....and she is in love with Brody. It helps when the resource people genuinely get along with your kid and with you...wow, does it make a difference to have some chemistry). I started asking questions, that in my gut, I knew I shouldn't be asking. But then I heard myself say it out loud...

"So, what's going to happen when Brody is in High School?"

"You want to know?" Kristen asked.

I nodded. But then regretted it.

"Well, they are in a small group or class. They start out learning how to  basic self-care skills, tie their shoes, etc. depending on their ability level. And sometimes we take them out into the community to the grocery store or a restaurant so they can learn how to make change, order from a menu..."

My eyes glazed over and I immeditately had visuals of those busses at Wal-mart and McDonalds, and the groups of special needs individuals with their helpers. They can't speak, and they can hardly walk. And the helpers are holding their hands as they shop the aisles and laugh excitedly in the checkout line. I saw a flash of Brody's face in that group.

Kristen went on..."We also do some job training, like how to use a mop, broom, vaccum..."

Again, that flash of Brody's future. He is wearing a fast food restaurant uniform and sweeping a floor.

I told her she could stop. I had enough.

The visit ended and as I got in my car, I was overwhelmed with thoughts about Brody's future. Sure, we are in kindergarten now, but I am going to blink and he will be 15...is that what we have to look forward to? Making change and using a mop? Is that all?

But really...who are we to say what success in life is? It's up to Brody...and I cannot judge his happiness.

Eventually I came down to earth and realized that...I really should not have asked. I really didn't want the answers yet. I shouldn't have gone there. I don't have to right now. Right now, it is time for kindergarten. It's not time for a learners permit. It's time to get excited about his first year as a "Big Kid."

Love you, Big Boy.
-Mom.