Before I got married, I thought only crazy people or drug addicts saw Therapists or Counselors. I was pretty judgemental about people who needed help.
"Well, I'll never need therapy. I am fine. FINE.." and "Therapy is for junkies and/or losers."
That was my attitude. But then someone very close to me, a good friend, had to ask for help. She had to reach out before it was too late. Or before she fell off the deep end, literally. And my idea of therapy changed in an instant, it changed with one late night phone call. That "help" saved her life and brought her back to us. And to this day I can laugh with her, talk with her and sit back and watch her amazing new life with her new family..she is living her dreams. How many of us "normal" people can say we "live our dreams" everyday? None of the amazing things in her life would have happened if she didn't ask for help. She wouldn't be here.
So, my opinion changed.
Earlier last year, right around the time of Brody's first IEP meeting, I found myself in that same boat. I had to ask for help. I was to the point where I could not attend IEP or school meetings for Brody without weeping afterwards (or during). I couldn't talk about his diagnosis, without getting emotional. I was angry at parents who had "normal" kids..I wore sunglasses a lot so people wouldn't see me cry at birthday parties and baseball games, and I would think..."Why does their little boy blow out the candles and not my baby?"
I couldn't face it. And I did not want to just pop pills, or start drinking heavily, and not give a shit. I didn't want to check out and disappear.
I wanted to give a shit.
One morning I decided to search online for profiles of Family Therapists.
My criteria:
1.) We needed a guy. Destin and Brody both respond better to male figures...probably because of how awesome their dad is, that is my theory.
2.) Someone who is open-minded and loving to children.
3.) Knowledge of and experience with Autism.
4.) Patient and calm.
I searched for a few hours online and found Bryon. I read his profile, and called him. We spoke for about an hour, sort of like a job interview. He was a Counselor at a local alternative high school for kids with special needs (talk about open-minded). He worked mainly with older kids, ages 14-19. And the majority of them, you guessed it, had spectrum disorders.
He talked about a boy he was working with now, who is 17, and has autism. He said his case is very severe (doesn't speak, not potty trained, etc.), but the trick (if you will) is focusing on the rewards you get from the relationship with kids with special needs. Not what "society" says we should get out of it. He said the relationship he has with this teenager, is one of the most rewarding relationships he has had in his entire life. Powerful. I especially liked the fact that he works with older children with autism...as I am sure you can tell from this post, that is really the heart of my sadness with Brody. It's birthdays...Brody getting older and not knowing what is going to happen to him and his development.
Bryon also explained that when a child is diagnosed with Autism, "the whole family is diagnosed, like an addict. The whole family becomes addicted, too."
He was making some serious sense. And he met all of my criteria. Everything from the calming voice to his expertise in Autism. Bryon was a perfect match.
So, I made an appointment.
At the first appointment, we all went. The whole fam damily. We all sat in his office; we looked a little like "Motley Crue.." but without the hairbands, but just as chaotic. Matt was head-to-toe in Harley apparel and boots, and his huge beard, I was in a dress and heels, Brody in sweats and Destin neat and tidy from head to toe. And we just got to know each other...asked a lot of questions. Bryon and Destin really hit it off, from the get-go. Brody jumped on his lap. It was a win-win.
Matt however, wasn't sold. After the meeting, he asked if he could maybe...not go? He really didn't feel the connection, but would go if I wanted him to.. Matt has already "grieved" for Brody's diagnosis. He did this early. It was fast and accute and intense, but it ended. But I am still not there, yet. My grief is lingering.
I see Bryon about 1-3 times a month. Sometimes Destin is with me, sometimes Brody is with me. Sometimes, like yesterday, I go alone. He also has an open call policy. I can call him when I need to, without an appointment. I've done this about 3 times. There will be an incident, and I will need some strategies on how to handle the situation...like an IEP meeting, rough day with Brody/Destin, or even a rough day at work (my old job that is, my new job is amazing).
So, the take-away from this little post today is, ask for help. You can't do it alone. Whether it's addiction, divorce, illness, whatever, you need an objective and calming presence in your life to keep you sane. And to see what is really important. I will find myself in a hard situation and will repeat Bryon's strategies and advice in my head. It helps. Friends are amazing, too and I have learned a lot about why certain people enter or
re-enter your life...that is a story for another post, another time.
Yesterday, I asked Bryon..."So, am I emotionally stable...? Do you have a sane client on your hands?"
"Yes, Cassie...(and he laughed) you are fine. You're mom."
I like that.
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